Ch...Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes...

Turn and face the strange….

Yeah, well…okay. What the hell else am I supposed to do? 

We either make changes or changes happen to us. Change is good. No one likes change. Blah. Blah. 

Hell, I’ve made plenty of changes. Three geographical relocations. And that was without being wanted by the police.  Except my father. He was police and probably wanted me to stay home. Didn’t say so, but I’m sure he did. 

I gave up meat...except for those yucky marrow bones I gingerly hand my dogs. I moved on from oak. But what do you do with all that oak furniture? I went from purebred Golden Retrievers (albeit rescue ones) to mutts…best breed alive. Smart phones, boxer briefs, PC to Mac....practical vehicles...and I survived!

These were all changes by choice. I like those. No more cheap wines? No problem. Back to cheap ones? No problem. Hey, baby….I live on the edge!

Those that happen TO me, I’m not so wild about. So, my miserable office slum lord decides he is going to LIVE in my office building. Live! He decides to make an apartment for himself? Hmmm. And, to do so, he needs to conSUME my office suite. At first, it was just that I’d have to deal with him taking a shower behind my waiting room wall. Eeeuuuu. Then, well…why not just conSUME it all!

So, I moved. All those books. All those dog toys and beds. All that oak! I moved. I hate it. Despite the erratic heat, despite the leaking roof, despite the blinking lights in the bathroom, I love…loveD my office. I loved my stationery now made obsolete. I loved the sky and busy Maine Street outside my windows. I hate him. I hate change.

Yeah, yeah…I know. I don’t have a deadly disease. I have my dogs. I have the Patriots. I have risotto. I am blessed, I know that. I don’t have foot rubs right now, but there’s time. But you say I’m whining? Well, what the f@*# do you know, you stupid mother f…..oh, sorry. Wait….breathe. 

Ooooohhhhmmmmm. Wwwwaaattt.

I feel better now. 

I AM blessed. I wake up each morning with my heartfelt thanks to coffee beans. I have a good brain, a practice, a “cozy” new office with fewer stairs for Nora to climb, I have a back brace to wear when my back has those damn, mother fu…oops, sorry again. Ooooooohhhhmmm. Peeeaaaccce. I heart my back spasms. I heart my house repair and vet bills. I am at ONE with winter snow and bitter cold wind. 

I have overcome change anxiety. When I want to make a major change, I tend to back up, survey the situation, and keep moving forward. Oh, there were relationships when I shouldn’t have changed and those with which I should have. I do make mistakes. But I believe that making the wrong decision is sometimes better than not making one. 

.

But let’s face it….whether or not it is stated as such, whether or not it is conscious, whether or not it is labeled as the most significant challenge each person will face, change anxiety IS what psychotherapy is really all about. 

Something about life stinks, something doesn’t feel right or good anymore. Something keeps recurring, seemingly due to just bad luck. Something never healed. Some change happened TO someone and that someone doesn’t like it, doesn’t know what the hell to do. Our clients, more often than not, know what they need to do, what they need to change, but…they…just…can’t. The fear and dread of mistakes…or yet another mistake…just creates stagnation, helplessness, and more fear. 

But psychotherapy is much like physical therapy…it’s going to involve movements of old, sore muscles and a certain amount of pain. And those movements beget more movement. And those movements are in a direction of new ways, new habits, new expectations. An old vaudeville joke goes something like, “This guy tells his doctor it hurts when I do that. The doctor says, (yep, you’re right) ‘Don’t do that.’” Okay, doc, I'll try not to....

My daily routines are much different now in subtle but significant ways. My budget now revolves around those house and vet bills. My office IS cozy…it’s closer…and I could walk to work if my family of three could….walk. My family of three now has five bad legs and a sore back. There’s lots of limping, crouching, lifting, and carrying these days. These things take time and patience formerly devoted to other things…like rearranging my refrigerator magnets, watching my Rocky and Bullwinkle dvd’s, skipping through the woods on a sub-zero day. 

Isn’t this all grand? I LOVE change….all this stupid, damn, mother fu…

Oh…sorry….oooooooooohhhhhhmmmmm…….

Maybe It IS Obama's Fault!

I’m so confused. I was around for the race riots in D.C. many years ago when my black Saturday afternoon football friends would alert us white boys to stay inside on a given night. We would knock on doors and gather the next day for another game. I seem to recall women emerging from centuries of subservience to gain their pride, identity, and, most importantly, voice. I was a part of the voice to end an unnecessary war and to make peace and equality a national priority. I was a teenager then. This is now. 

As global warming gradually erases the glaciers and icy habitat for beloved furry creatures, the extremes of polarity have spread across this country like a viral video of kittens playing with a moose. Nobody will talk, nobody will listen. Short-armed politicians have as much trouble reaching across the aisle as short-armed Mike Napoli has reaching for a fastball on the outside corner. Whiff. And, just when I thought there had been joining, talking, and blending in this country, here we are…again…drifting further and further apart. Blacks are angry at cops and cops are acting like uniformed KKK Neanderthals. Women still don’t earn an equal wage. Crazy people are shooting at everyone and yet the freedom to carry guns…anywhere…concealed…is not only legal, but encouraged. OK Corral? Regal Cinemas? Can you tell the difference?

Hey…I have my own history. My father was absolutely a racist…and a cop. I grew older learning to, not embrace, but understand his view of the world while developing my own, much different view. His grandfather and great-grandfather both fought in the Civil War…for the North yet…the latter of whom died at Gettysburg. I had a great x-something grandfather who fought in the Revolutionary War and still had the time to leave his slaves to his wife and children. It is still so hard to believe that there was EVER such thing as slavery, that women EVER could not vote, or  that I was born not that long after the Germans had carried out their reign of terror. JAPAN attacked US? WTF? Even so, I thought that we - the “leaders of the free world” - were beyond all that. I am not my ancestors, I am not even my father. I like to think I am capable of free thought, wise perspective, continued evolution.

Just as I think I/we had evolved, look at this mess we’re in. Should anyone decide to briefly look up from his cell phone, he’ll find us fighting in unnecessary wars, inequality of freedom and rights, growing racial tension, and a political “aisle” as broad as Donald Trump’s ego. Grown men and a few women allowed into a male club are more concerned with playing with their own…navels….and being elected for the sole purpose of working towards re-election. Is it too much to ask everyone to join us in our evolution? What gives?

Well, I think there are a number of variables working here. But maybe…just maybe…it is Obama’s fault after all! No, they couldn’t prove he wasn’t an American citizen. No, he’s not a Muslim terrorist. I know there are some who still aren’t sure, but they’re probably too busy questioning the myth of dinosaurs and the Holocaust. But…what they seem to be correct about and there is no proof otherwise is that…get read for this…Obama IS, in fact, a black man. Yep…pretty sure.

Imagine that! First, he had the nerve to not only run for president, but be elected. Twice! He brought with him a wife who is classier, more articulate, more likable than any previous first lady of my lifetime. He has two lovely daughters who share their parents’ quiet, graceful style and who have stayed away from this country’s starvation for sensational celebrity bullshit. But wait…there’s more. He also took an economy devastated by his rich, stupid predecessor and revived the robust, growth economy left by his stupid predecessor’s…predecessor. He has made great strides to remove us from stupid’s (x2) wars and is actually preferring diplomacy to boots on the ground. He’s funny. He sings. He dances. He’s unfazed by the blind arrogance of the short arms around him. And yet, unfortunately, he is still black and the better he is, the more hateful they become. We can’t have everything I guess.

When Obama was first elected, republicans (I still refuse to capitalize this word) swore…out loud…really they did…to defeat any initiative our black president might make. They promise to “get the economy moving again” while unemployment is way down, the deficit is way down, and even the rich still get richer. They have no original ideas, but they’re sure as hell not going to let Obama be recognized for the most civilized eight years in the last century. 

The ugliest and most unfortunate outgrowth of this political racism is that it has stirred up so much other hate and prejudice elsewhere. With guns more deadly and available than ever, those who might have otherwise sat in their recliners surrounded by empty beer cans, are taking their seething rage to the streets. Some of them wear uniforms. Some of them have records. Some of them are f#*king nuts. Violence against women seems on the rise too. Michelle’s fault maybe? An order of protection has become nothing other than an engraved invitation for escalation and murder. What a mess. Just as transgender Olympic heroes and “real” wives of some backwards county become the darlings of Twitter twits, our country is floating backwards like a nation of blindfolded lemmings. 

It’s just my theory that all of this…okay, much of it…can be traced back to Obama. At least he’s a male. But he doesn’t have that presidential, coiffed-hair, slick, WHITE look of a real president. He doesn’t have the grin of Alfred E. Newman. He doesn’t have road kill on his head. He’s not named Bush. 

And so, the nation becomes divided more than other between the evolved and the not-evolved. Success and decency become the roots of either admiration or resentment. And, along with this divide, comes a continental drift carrying advocates for other important issues further apart.

Wouldn’t it be nice if the NRA and their republican puppets agree that we can still have the right to bear arms (I would prefer arming bears) and still filter out those who have not shown the capacity for good judgement?

Wouldn’t it be nice for us to tax the wealthy and still leave them a few dollars to use for…making more dollars? Perhaps we could compete with the rest of the world if we had the money for infrastructure, cyber sophistication, space weaponry, and still help those Americans who are less fortunate?

Wouldn’t it be nice for pro-life and pr0-choice folks to agree that abortion is  simply an awful solution while working together to prevent unwanted pregnancy?

Wouldn’t it be nice for parents and school administrations to stop blaming teachers and begin to make “screen time” contingent upon hard work, good grades, and respect?

Wouldn’t it be nice if women made the same pay (can’t believe I’m still saying this) as men and that employers could pay a decent wage?

Wouldn’t it be nice. Communication. We therapists talk about it all the time. Relationships just deteriorate when there isn’t enough constructive communication. Responsibility. Progress breaks down when blaming overrides any sincere attempt to accept personal responsibility. Compromise. The more polarized people…factions…become, the less compromise, responsibility, and communication there will be.

And this is where we are today. Our country (much of it anyway) and the world celebrated gleefully when we elected our first black president. For seven years, he has done nothing but be everything we hoped he would be. He has the respect of every rational, hopeful, evolved American for not just what he has done, but for who he is. Damn him. 

  

Waking Cat Naps...

As I struggled to awaken one morning…lying there with fuzzy thoughts and cozier feet…I began to wonder why oh why…what oh what…was I holding onto…or what oh what was I not wanting to face in beginning my day. My dreams that previous night had been nothing special…or so it seemed. Brief situations, vague faces, momentary challenges maybe. Nonsense really…but nonsense that kept my attention. Nonsense that I liked. After I pushed back the covers and arose from my warm bed, I would begin yet another day of routines. My dogs know the routines as well as I do. We go about our morning and day without really having to think…until my first client arrives, the dogs settle into nap time, and my brain goes into a higher gear.

And that morning I realized that what I hate to leave…what I enjoy so much about sleep and about dreams…is that they’re always different. In dreams there is no need for rational thought or to make sense of anything. I love sleep and dreams, I think, more than I love waking life. I might find myself in another city or town with no reason to be there. I might encounter someone from my past…but in the present…and as real as day. It really doesn’t matter…that’s the point…it really doesn’t matter. Waking life matters…sometimes too much. 

I must say that I do take great pleasure with trivialities…in being irrational sometimes. I take great joy in the humor of absurdities and mutations of everyday life. My memories are vivid…some wonderful, some sad…just as they should be. And I would often rather be there than here. And, so, I allow myself…my mind…to pretend I’m still asleep…to wander frequently among the past, present, rational, irrational, meaningful, and trivial.

Which reminds me…I need to catch up on some very important, trivial decisions and observations….

Top 10 favorite dogs (my favorites....other than my own and in no particular order):

1. Spenser

2. Bailey

3. Rodney

4. Tillie

5. Woody

6. Boo

7. Chipper

8. Arla

9. Stewie

10.Wilbur

Still wondering why dogs’ feet smell like popcorn or cheese curls. Given the life they lead, one might imagine the worst. But, from dog to dog, it is true. Their feet smell like popcorn or cheese curls.

Top ten people needing to retire:

1. Willard Scott

2. Robert Plant

3. Paul Shaffer

4. Morley Safer

5. Willie Nelson

6. The Geico gecko

7. Martha Stewart

8. Joan Rivers

9. All republicans

10. Me

It is rare that we can make it through an entire day without someone referring to something as “iconic.” Really? Each day I wait…tick tick tick…until I hear it…and think, “well, there it is.” My fear is that this word will become as overused and abused as the word “awesome.” Lets hope that it begins to fade from use as has the over-used cliche’, “perfect storm.” But I’ve been listening…and can’t recall the last day that I did not hear the word “iconic” on the morning news at least once…

Top seven favorite spam subject lines:

1. “You wi l l grow in pants”

2. “TOXIC BELLY BUGS infest 9 out of 10 people. Are you one of them?”

3. “You would change best girls daily after knowing this knowledge.”

4. “Limited time access to local sluts.” (Isn’t that kind of a contradiction?)

5.“Dating folly for thrifty businessmen who choose female viciousness.”

6. “Thrilling adventure EVE style packing suitcases.”

7. “I was only 8 when my mom was sent to prison.”

Maybe someone can explain it to me, but I consider “color-safe bleach” to be an oxymoron….

Top ten quick and easy intelligence tests:

1. The cinnamon challenge

2. Using turn signal after driver has begun turning.

3. Molly (the drug)

4. Texting while driving

5. Jumping into the ocean on new year’s day in 3 degree air and 42 degree water temps.

6. A pile of cigarette butts on the ground right next to a cigarette disposal thingy.

7. Emptying a car’s ashtray in a parking lot.

8. Eating a turducken.

9. Let’s Make A Deal

10. Ice fishing

A few observations from one very cold, snowy day this winter…puttering…making soup….with the TV on:

1. Morning commercials: cars, lawyers, insurance, discount furniture, more cars….

2. Let’s Make A Deal is to The Price Is Right as The Price Is Right is to Jeopardy…   

3. Shows all day long: LOUD

4. Cedric the Entertainer is to Meredith Vieira as Pee Wee Herman is to Laurence Olivier…

5. Afternoon commercials: Life alert devices, reverse mortgages, lawyers, and “final expenses” insurance….you get the idea…

6. Dr. Oz is one of the most egotistical men I’ve ever seen on television…

7. Judge Judy hates bad English as much as I do…

8. Kids can now watch adult-oriented shows….Friends, SVU, etc….all day long.

9. Did you know that people scream hysterically when they win an air hockey table?

Just wondering what invention or product promotes the greatest degree of laziness in us humans. The remote control? Nah….c’mon, you don’t really know how to operate your 87 inch television without it now, do you? Besides…I do know where the controls are and I can use them…with the help of a flashlight and magnifying glass. No…it is, in fact, the deodorant stick. I curse my deodorant stick every time it falls over on my bathroom counter. It falls over, you see, because it is wide and flat. It is made this way so that one doesn’t have to waste time and energy having to swipe the underarm as many times as it would take were it to be made a different shape. “Oh my…I am so tired from coating my arm pits and avoid smelling bad.” Part of my exercise program for the new year will be to find a deodorant…a round one…one that will actually stand up…both to my human condition and to my counter top…I can smell good and get in shape at the same time!

Top seven new words...as heard from clients:

1. Half-hazardly

2. Semi-disgruntledness

3. I was driving slow down the highway…driving to a crawlspace. 

4. Marinated in Sasquatchian and Teriyaki sauce (as in Szechuan)

5. Bullyism

6. Really put the day in a damper (put a damper on the day?)

7. Twerk

Why does the little mucous guy in Mucinex commercials have to look so much like guacamole? It’s unsettling to say the least….

Top ten male rock singers ever (does not include R&B...no particular order)

1. Elvis

2. Mick

3. Daryl Hall

4. Bob Seger

5. Eric Clapton

6. John Fogerty

7. Gregg Allman

8. Lowell George

9. John Lennon

10.Van Morrison

Saddest personal statement on an internet dating profile page…verbatim:

“im love cook and do a little sew I just want to be happy again please no cheater this my last hope last try to fine some one two share my life with what I have got left so if out there give me chace.”

Top ten minor annoyances that are actually awful, miserable, oh my God, this is terrible tragedies!

1. Forgetting to set the timer on coffee grinder/maker and having to wait in the morning for it to drip!

2. Getting gloves wet in the winter!

3. Shower pressure lessening and water temp changing when the washing machine or dish washer start up!

4. Cutting an avocado to discover it’s over-ripe.

5. Realizing I haven’t yet taken out the trash and recycle at bedtime on a very cold, snowy evening.

6. When untying a shoe, pulling one end and creating a tiny, tight knot.

7. Getting to the store to return a dvd only to discover the case is empty.

8. Rushing to get dressed for work and find that one sock has a hole.

9. Unable to find my keys…in my own house.

10.Recording a game on TV only to find the recording ends before the game does.

I’ve never, ever, ever coveted or wanted to own a pick-up truck…

Top ten favorite songs ever (no particular order):

1. Silent Night (Franz Xaver Gruber)

2. Talk To Me Of Mendicino (Kate McGarrigle)

3. For A Dancer (Jackson Browne)

4. Kathy’s Song (Paul Simon)

5. There Is A Reason (Ron Block)

6. Dimming Of The Day (Richard Thompson)

7. And So It Goes (Billy Joel)

8. Say A Little Prayer (Greg Brown)

9. Something (George Harrison)

10.Softly And Tenderly (Will L. Thompson)

(thought of having an honorable mention, but there would be way too many…like about two dozen Jackson Browne songs… “Sleep’s Dark and Silent Gate”…. “These Days”… “The Late Show”….and Amos Lee Songs… “Violin”…. “El Camino”)

Top ten favorite classical works/cd’s: Sort of in order…

1. Chopin Piano Concerto #1

2. Dvorak Serenades for Wind and String Instruments

3. Respighi Ancient Airs and Dances

4. Dvorak in Prague; the BSO

5. Chopin Waltzes: Arthur Rubenstein

6. Dvorak: Symphony #9

7. Bruch: Scottish Fantasies: Itzhak Perlman

8. John Field: Nocturnes

9. Adagios Baroques

10.Opera’s Greatest Arias

Top ten favorite actors: (in no particular order)

1. Samuel L. Jackson

2. Andre Braugher

3. Phillip Seymour Hoffman

4. Judy Dench

5. Kevin Spacey

6. Geraldine Page

7. Jude Law

8. Katharine Hepburn

9. Julianne Moore

10.Meryl Streep

Top ten people I’d like to….have dinner with:

1. Uma Thurman

2. Jenna Elfman

3. Ashley Judd

4. Halle Berry

5. Susan Sarandon

6. Nicole Kidman

7. Diane Lane

8. Lupita Nyongo

9. Charlize Theron

10.Anne Hathaway

Rest in peace, Jeff Pert....I had looked forward to debating a few of these lists with you...

Enough is Enough

Enough is enough. No more.

Ya know....I’ve had an American flag pin on my denim jacket for years and an American flag sticker on my office door. I’ve probably irritated more than a few people by having my American flag hanging on my porch twenty-four hours a day. It was my belief that men and women of our military service die overseas, more often than not, while I sleep safely in my bed. I vote. I have opinions of agreement and dissent. I’ve been an “American,” a nationalist, a loyalist...which DOES include dissent.

But the more I watch, the more I listen, the more I think....I’ve just had enough.

I realize that my love for this country is for the land, the wildlife, the history, the stories and legends, the music and traditions, and, for the most part, the people. I do not love this sick, practical joke that we still refer to as our “government.” I realize that my national anthem of preference is “America the Beautiful,” not the Star Spangled Banner, a song written in war and with lyrics that most people largely recite without actually understanding. The Pledge of Allegiance? “Liberty and justice for all?” Are you kidding me? Congressmen and women serve a term and are set for life...yes, including their healthcare.

I support the men and women in uniform, not the military-industrial complex that sucks money from our pockets, starts unnecessary wars, and mistreats or worse...ignores...its soldiers, sailors, and veterans. I support the unemployed (those who want and need to work), not Wall Street, corporations, and executives who spend their profits on tall buildings and huge undeserved bonuses. I support our well-meaning, creative president who could make a real difference were it not for the constipated, constipaTING idiots whose only purpose is to defeat progress in order to be reelected...and his lovely wife and family. I do NOT support the rest of the “government” with their pompous, self-righteous attitudes, their expensive tans and hairdos, and their sneaky, slimy, smarmy faces....both of them. I cannot even LOOK at Snake Boehner. I cannot believe an elected official would recite Dr. Seuss while the government faces a costly and dangerous shutdown. I don’t give a shit about special interests....and special interests run our country. People want safety and rational thinking...but the NRA has more money so the NRA wins. It’s all just nuts.

I know there are people across this land who will suffer far more than I should this freak show continue. In the mean time, we all worry, fret, toss and turn, and somehow manage to contain our rage. But, I can tell you this...should this nation go into some kind of default...should the rich, selfish, cowardly blood-suckers on Wall Street run like fools..should the market take a huge hit and my precious retirement savings drop precipitously as it has before and further delay even the slightest hope for retirement, I will wish the worst...all the harm and suffering and pain and misery...on these racist parasites we call our congress.

Others might disagree. I don’t know and I don’t care. Enough is enough. My flag has come down. I’ll find something else to hang on my porch. Maybe a Red Sox flag. Who knows. Hell...I might even stop drinking tea. I like tea. It’s just become a toxic word in my little brain.

"What Do You Do?"

A few evenings ago, while walking through our local grocery store, hoping to find something exciting and easy for dinner, I was treated to an unexpected, delightful moment that absolutely made my day. Made my day. As I passed quickly through the deli section and hurried past the wall of baked goodies, I heard a crystal clear, cheerful “HI!” from just behind me. I turned to see this gorgeous blond with a broad, genuine grin. This gorgeous blond was sitting in a grocery cart as she was probably no more than a year and a half old, going the other way, and turning to engage eyes and smiles. Now, I don’t want to sound all mushy and touchy feely about this, but in that instant, this innocent, friendly little soul made my day and lifted my spirits after a long day of diving through people’s minds and troubled psyches. 

I visit this grocery store often...I guess you’d call me a “male shopper”...I get what I need and leave, a regular denizen of the express lane or self-pay stands. I pass by folks in the aisles all the time and the great majority of my fellow shoppers offer no hellos or even turns of heads with anything resembling a smile. I had seen this woman and her child earlier and might have even heard her charming chirp at another passerby. But this grin, this face, this greeting hit me like an unexpected pleasant, cool breeze on a dull, muggy day.

I really wish there could be more such moments....with adults. Kids and dogs are far less inhibited than grownups and the world is a far better place with their chirping, smiling, singing, and barking. But, ya know, I’m generally really just fine with a minimum of superficial contact with other humans. Not so with four-legged creatures...I feel I MUST connect! But, being an “I” (introvert) on the Myers-Briggs, I find small talk to be tedious and prefer deeper, more candid interactions. Some of my public personae could fool you....musician, teacher/stand-up comic, etc....seem to contradict that I am truly a private person. I don’t talk much about myself but if asked in a genuine way, I will share my soul with you. Even a bright, shiny smile... so real and generous...is far preferred to any conversations about work or weather. 

And so, a client and I were chatting the other day...he too an “I”....and he mentioned his difficulty with the common, small-talk question, “What do you do?” What do I do. Hmmm. I will probably answer, “I’m a psychologist in private practice.” Sometimes I consider livening up the conversation with, “I sleep in a clown suit in the bathtub.” Or maybe “I eat my cereal with tequila instead of milk.” Maybe get a reaction....a look of surprise...a smile. Anything but “I’m a psychologist in private practice” which is such a small part of “what I do.” Well, it is what I do so I can do other things, but it is far from being who I AM.  

I don’t sleep in a clown suit or in the bathtub. I love milk on my cereal although my dogs get the last part...a huge sacrifice since who doesn’t love left-over cereal milk? So, I decided to consider what other possible, more honest answers I could give to the question.....

“So....what do you do?”

“Whenever possible, I will put an insect...beetle, moth, fly, ant...even a mosquito...out of the house rather than kill it.”

“I heat my coffee in the microwave even if it has just been brewed.”

“I take off my socks as soon as I can.”

“I watch repeats of House, Friends, The Closer, Frazier, and The Mentalist even though I’ve seen them all multiple times.”

“I always eat sensibly except when I don’t.”

“I did once shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die.”

“I sometimes think about my adopted chimp, Jeff.”

“My golden, Shamus, died in his sleep as I slept. So, now, I tell both Nora and Rusty each night that I’ll always love them.”

“I eat scallops whenever I can.”

“I make gravy out of canned food for my dogs’ kibble.”

“Having spent three years involved with a long-distance, compulsive liar, I always tell the truth.” 

“I have been known to flat foot and sing harmonies in my kitchen while playing bluegrass music.” 

“I now wear 34 waist Levi’s. Wore 38’s in high school.”

“I swear far more in the car than anywhere else.”

“I wear my gun outside my pants for all the honest world to feel.”

“I get a pedicure now and then. No nail polish but massage feels good.”

“I make better Italian dishes than anyplace I’ve eaten in Maine.”

“I wear my dog Shamus’s tag around my neck most every day.”

“I play Alice’s Restaurant on my guitar but don’t remember the words.”

“I sometimes drink milk with spaghetti and marinara sauce.”

“I write in my dumb blog sometimes....not often.”

Terrorism

Well...what a harrowing and frightening week we’ve been through, huh? As these marathon tragedies have resulted in a marathon of news coverage, it’s hard to believe that this most recent crisis all began only a week ago tomorrow. And it seems that these traumatic events and the need for individuals, communities, and our nation to “heal” seems to be now a regular part of our morning news and dog park conversations. 

Children being killed, innocent bystanders losing their lives and limbs, our president attending memorial services....now occurring on a frighteningly regular basis. Every time I hear our local news begin a segment with solemn music or a “special edition of the Today Show,” I wonder, “What now?” Even here in Maine with my (hopefully) safe distance from the horrors that touch so many lives, it seems we all walk through our days carrying certain, omni-present levels of anger, sadness, and fear.

I lived through the transition of the simplicity and sanity of the late 50’s into the chaotic drama and upheaval of the mid to late 60’s. The only fears I knew as a small child arose from the weekly weekend rehearsals of air raid sirens and the Cuban missile crisis. Then came the Kennedy assassination, Bobby and MLK, Kent State, and Nam. Our country could no longer sustain its innocence as Elvis and the Beach Boys gave way to music laced with tension and rebellion. 

I think we’re now going through another such evolution in the way we think, believe, and behave. Even in the late 60’s, we could still believe that we were ultimately the stronger country and that our police, military, and missiles would protect us from the rest of the world. Now, it seems we are not in control of our safety or even ourselves. A psychiatrist I knew years ago defined the mental health system as “deviance control.” Well, it now feels like the world can longer control its deviance. Instead, the deviance seems to be controlling us. 

But I’m really not here today to talk about these acts of senseless violence. These losses of life and limb caused by violent maniacs burn through all our psyches while leaving permanent, painful scars to those more closely touched. No, I’m here to identify this country’s true terrorists whose actions directly affect far more of our citizens than those of a couple of narcissistic, selfish, spoiled, homicidal twits from Chechnya. 

These domestic terrorists would be....

Congress: Speaking of narcissistic and selfish, as congressional Republicans have forced the so-called “sequester,” they have compromised funding that provides invaluable health care services to women, child-care, programs that protect families from domestic violence, and policies that simply offer an opportunity for a sense of well-being among many of our citizens. Who knows how many lives will be affected and how many deaths will result because of this blind, obstructionist arrogance. 

Congress (again): What do you think is the most important goal of your average politician? You guessed it....reelection. That’s right. I just can’t think of any other possible reason...rational or otherwise...to explain how anyone in a position of power to make a true difference in our society could not see the need for some form of background checks for gun purchasers. When I moved to Maine roughly twelve years ago, I had to first qualify and then wait months to sit for an oral exam allowing me to practice psychology in the state....this after practicing for nearly twenty years an hour and a half away in Massachusetts. Tell me why oh why can we not require someone to prove he’s not nuts or has a violent past before owning a deadly weapon. Assault rifles? Automatic weapons? Tell me how many casualties will result as a result of this pursuit of....reelection. As these (mostly) Republican parasites eventually...and hopefully soon...leave office to a life of luxury and the relative luxury of retirement with their rich buddies, they will leave in their wake pain and suffering impossible to measure or anticipate.

The insurance industry: Check out the names atop some of this nation’s largest and tallest buildings....yes, they would be insurance companies. That is because the word “insurance” is actually a misnomer. You see, they don’t actually expect to pay for anything they promise to cover. Have a car accident? They will pay for the repairs and then charge you more. Get sick? Oops....pre-existing condition. Not covered. Not necessary. And, with Obama’s programs to correct these unfair practices, the buddies of these fat cats (Republicans...again) devote their lives to protecting not us but the deep pockets of the fat cats and their own tight pants. Just check the corporate profits as each year they request and are granted rate increases.

The pharmaceutical industry: You’ll have to tell me how a single pill can cost hundreds of dollars. Tell me how pills become less expensive when they loose their patent protections and become more expensive as people get sicker and older. Then we’ll talk.

The oil industry: Remember when, if oil prices rose, we were given weak excuses such as a refinery closed or an increase in cartel prices? Ever notice that now we rarely hear even those weak excuses? While staying at a bed and breakfast a few years ago, I met an oil executive from New Jersey over breakfast. He admitted to me that, more often than not, there was no real reason for the increases in gas prices. Rather, it was just the industry’s way of establishing higher and higher standard as people became used to higher prices. Then there is the outrageous price of heating oil resulting in families in colder climates (such as here in Maine) having to go without fuel to warm their homes. The oil industry, with help from our rich, oil-loving, war-starting politicians, rapes this country on a regular basis and no one blinks an eye. 

Government-sanctioned terrorism results in far more pain, suffering, and death than all of that caused by foreign initiated acts of terrorism. And most of these terrorists wear suits and drive a Lexus. And, yes....get reelected. 

Perspective...

Gee....I notice that it’s been quite a while since posting a whine or even a pseudo-serious expression of sentimentality and reflection. When I look back over the last several months, it occurs to me that life hasn’t felt particularly funny. With a backdrop of managing life through bothersome physical ailments and recurring worries about the repercussions of both life and death, there have been losses of various sizes that tend to give perspective on that backdrop....that life is as it is and that all that weighs on me is nothing more than the consequence of the gift of my life itself. It’s that whole yin-yang thing. I can only write my whine because I am alive...and having just enjoyed a hot breakfast of eggs which I can share with my wonderful dogs.

Oh, there’s always money stuff, things to do, piles to sort, attic and garage to purge, cold weather fatigue, etc. etc. More importantly are worries about my dogs’ health, expensive house projects on the horizon, and the annoyances of short-term relationships that end with the disappointing revelations that some people just aren’t who they claim to be. There is the end of a long-standing connection with a professional organization that has proven to be nothing more than an internet date with someone who posted ten year-old photos. It’s the whole illusion thing I wrote about earlier ...there one moment, gone the next. These endings can be dealt with my slowly and painfully letting go. 

But life does stand still when I experience the deaths of two friends in just over a week’s time. Both of these passings were pretty much expected but, as you know, they still always come as a shock. These humans, with whom I talked and laughed and walked and ate and felt! have disappeared from the face of the earth. It always seems so surreal. When my father died, I could only get an evening flight, so I went to work at Salem Hospital as usual. My boss said “What are you doing here?!?” I just said “Where else should I be?” When she asked how I was doing, the first thought that came to mind was, “I keep wondering where he is.” That feeling after someone you know dies is, for me, the most revealing evidence that there has to be something after life. There is an essence that cannot possibly die with the body. I know it. To best understand what I mean, find and read Wordsworth’s “Ode on Intimations of Immortality.” While I am a Christian, this poem best captures my beliefs about life and death. 

I do ramble and digress. All I can say is that...and this could sound trite...losing these friends does make my life and it’s travails of various sizes seem unimportant and minor compared to what these friends went through on their journeys to another land and what their closer loved ones must endure with even bigger, gaping holes in their lives. And I can say that I do and will miss them both.

In short....Sandy....a dog-owner and walking friend. We told stories, we laughed at our dogs, we played tennis, we shared dinner, we talked life. I walked with him a few short months ago before his health began to decline. He was a smart, caring, interesting man and I know that many stories about Sandy and his life will live on with his family and friends. And just last week, the world lost Jeanne...my old friend Anne’s partner of over 24 years. Denied the opportunity for so many years, they had planned to marry later this year. Jeanne knitted me a scarf and an afghan. On my several visits to their beautiful home in North Carolina, Anne and Jeanne treated me like family. I loved Jeanne’s cynical, sardonic wit...much like my own. I remember lying on their floor snipping hair knots from one of their cats’ fur. I remember Jeanne leaving after dinner to get a McDonald’s coffee because “it’s just better.” (Having a cigarette, Jeanne? We’ll never know!)

Let’s just face it. With all the fluffy, reassuring verbiage, it’s just awful. It’s terrible. I walk through my day right now knowing they’re gone. As with the losses of my parents and all my wonderful dogs, there’s a hole in the universe without them. My life...getting to work, walking my dogs, cleaning my kitchen, making my risotto, ironing my sheets (NOT!)...I get to do these things and they don’t. I’m sorry, Sandy and Jeanne, I truly am. Deeply. But know that we loved you and you made an impact on people and the world that will not be forgotten.

Now...I have to go deal with finding socks to match my sweater. Oh my oh my.