As I struggled to awaken one morning…lying there with fuzzy thoughts and cozier feet…I began to wonder why oh why…what oh what…was I holding onto…or what oh what was I not wanting to face in beginning my day. My dreams that previous night had been nothing special…or so it seemed. Brief situations, vague faces, momentary challenges maybe. Nonsense really…but nonsense that kept my attention. Nonsense that I liked. After I pushed back the covers and arose from my warm bed, I would begin yet another day of routines. My dogs know the routines as well as I do. We go about our morning and day without really having to think…until my first client arrives, the dogs settle into nap time, and my brain goes into a higher gear.
And that morning I realized that what I hate to leave…what I enjoy so much about sleep and about dreams…is that they’re always different. In dreams there is no need for rational thought or to make sense of anything. I love sleep and dreams, I think, more than I love waking life. I might find myself in another city or town with no reason to be there. I might encounter someone from my past…but in the present…and as real as day. It really doesn’t matter…that’s the point…it really doesn’t matter. Waking life matters…sometimes too much.
I must say that I do take great pleasure with trivialities…in being irrational sometimes. I take great joy in the humor of absurdities and mutations of everyday life. My memories are vivid…some wonderful, some sad…just as they should be. And I would often rather be there than here. And, so, I allow myself…my mind…to pretend I’m still asleep…to wander frequently among the past, present, rational, irrational, meaningful, and trivial.
Which reminds me…I need to catch up on some very important, trivial decisions and observations….
Top 10 favorite dogs (my favorites....other than my own and in no particular order):
1. Spenser
2. Bailey
3. Rodney
4. Tillie
5. Woody
6. Boo
7. Chipper
8. Arla
9. Stewie
10.Wilbur
Still wondering why dogs’ feet smell like popcorn or cheese curls. Given the life they lead, one might imagine the worst. But, from dog to dog, it is true. Their feet smell like popcorn or cheese curls.
Top ten people needing to retire:
1. Willard Scott
2. Robert Plant
3. Paul Shaffer
4. Morley Safer
5. Willie Nelson
6. The Geico gecko
7. Martha Stewart
8. Joan Rivers
9. All republicans
10. Me
It is rare that we can make it through an entire day without someone referring to something as “iconic.” Really? Each day I wait…tick tick tick…until I hear it…and think, “well, there it is.” My fear is that this word will become as overused and abused as the word “awesome.” Lets hope that it begins to fade from use as has the over-used cliche’, “perfect storm.” But I’ve been listening…and can’t recall the last day that I did not hear the word “iconic” on the morning news at least once…
Top seven favorite spam subject lines:
1. “You wi l l grow in pants”
2. “TOXIC BELLY BUGS infest 9 out of 10 people. Are you one of them?”
3. “You would change best girls daily after knowing this knowledge.”
4. “Limited time access to local sluts.” (Isn’t that kind of a contradiction?)
5.“Dating folly for thrifty businessmen who choose female viciousness.”
6. “Thrilling adventure EVE style packing suitcases.”
7. “I was only 8 when my mom was sent to prison.”
Maybe someone can explain it to me, but I consider “color-safe bleach” to be an oxymoron….
Top ten quick and easy intelligence tests:
1. The cinnamon challenge
2. Using turn signal after driver has begun turning.
3. Molly (the drug)
4. Texting while driving
5. Jumping into the ocean on new year’s day in 3 degree air and 42 degree water temps.
6. A pile of cigarette butts on the ground right next to a cigarette disposal thingy.
7. Emptying a car’s ashtray in a parking lot.
8. Eating a turducken.
9. Let’s Make A Deal
10. Ice fishing
A few observations from one very cold, snowy day this winter…puttering…making soup….with the TV on:
1. Morning commercials: cars, lawyers, insurance, discount furniture, more cars….
2. Let’s Make A Deal is to The Price Is Right as The Price Is Right is to Jeopardy…
3. Shows all day long: LOUD
4. Cedric the Entertainer is to Meredith Vieira as Pee Wee Herman is to Laurence Olivier…
5. Afternoon commercials: Life alert devices, reverse mortgages, lawyers, and “final expenses” insurance….you get the idea…
6. Dr. Oz is one of the most egotistical men I’ve ever seen on television…
7. Judge Judy hates bad English as much as I do…
8. Kids can now watch adult-oriented shows….Friends, SVU, etc….all day long.
9. Did you know that people scream hysterically when they win an air hockey table?
Just wondering what invention or product promotes the greatest degree of laziness in us humans. The remote control? Nah….c’mon, you don’t really know how to operate your 87 inch television without it now, do you? Besides…I do know where the controls are and I can use them…with the help of a flashlight and magnifying glass. No…it is, in fact, the deodorant stick. I curse my deodorant stick every time it falls over on my bathroom counter. It falls over, you see, because it is wide and flat. It is made this way so that one doesn’t have to waste time and energy having to swipe the underarm as many times as it would take were it to be made a different shape. “Oh my…I am so tired from coating my arm pits and avoid smelling bad.” Part of my exercise program for the new year will be to find a deodorant…a round one…one that will actually stand up…both to my human condition and to my counter top…I can smell good and get in shape at the same time!
Top seven new words...as heard from clients:
1. Half-hazardly
2. Semi-disgruntledness
3. I was driving slow down the highway…driving to a crawlspace.
4. Marinated in Sasquatchian and Teriyaki sauce (as in Szechuan)
5. Bullyism
6. Really put the day in a damper (put a damper on the day?)
7. Twerk
Why does the little mucous guy in Mucinex commercials have to look so much like guacamole? It’s unsettling to say the least….
Top ten male rock singers ever (does not include R&B...no particular order)
1. Elvis
2. Mick
3. Daryl Hall
4. Bob Seger
5. Eric Clapton
6. John Fogerty
7. Gregg Allman
8. Lowell George
9. John Lennon
10.Van Morrison
Saddest personal statement on an internet dating profile page…verbatim:
“im love cook and do a little sew I just want to be happy again please no cheater this my last hope last try to fine some one two share my life with what I have got left so if out there give me chace.”
Top ten minor annoyances that are actually awful, miserable, oh my God, this is terrible tragedies!
1. Forgetting to set the timer on coffee grinder/maker and having to wait in the morning for it to drip!
2. Getting gloves wet in the winter!
3. Shower pressure lessening and water temp changing when the washing machine or dish washer start up!
4. Cutting an avocado to discover it’s over-ripe.
5. Realizing I haven’t yet taken out the trash and recycle at bedtime on a very cold, snowy evening.
6. When untying a shoe, pulling one end and creating a tiny, tight knot.
7. Getting to the store to return a dvd only to discover the case is empty.
8. Rushing to get dressed for work and find that one sock has a hole.
9. Unable to find my keys…in my own house.
10.Recording a game on TV only to find the recording ends before the game does.
I’ve never, ever, ever coveted or wanted to own a pick-up truck…
Top ten favorite songs ever (no particular order):
1. Silent Night (Franz Xaver Gruber)
2. Talk To Me Of Mendicino (Kate McGarrigle)
3. For A Dancer (Jackson Browne)
4. Kathy’s Song (Paul Simon)
5. There Is A Reason (Ron Block)
6. Dimming Of The Day (Richard Thompson)
7. And So It Goes (Billy Joel)
8. Say A Little Prayer (Greg Brown)
9. Something (George Harrison)
10.Softly And Tenderly (Will L. Thompson)
(thought of having an honorable mention, but there would be way too many…like about two dozen Jackson Browne songs… “Sleep’s Dark and Silent Gate”…. “These Days”… “The Late Show”….and Amos Lee Songs… “Violin”…. “El Camino”)
Top ten favorite classical works/cd’s: Sort of in order…
1. Chopin Piano Concerto #1
2. Dvorak Serenades for Wind and String Instruments
3. Respighi Ancient Airs and Dances
4. Dvorak in Prague; the BSO
5. Chopin Waltzes: Arthur Rubenstein
6. Dvorak: Symphony #9
7. Bruch: Scottish Fantasies: Itzhak Perlman
8. John Field: Nocturnes
9. Adagios Baroques
10.Opera’s Greatest Arias
Top ten favorite actors: (in no particular order)
1. Samuel L. Jackson
2. Andre Braugher
3. Phillip Seymour Hoffman
4. Judy Dench
5. Kevin Spacey
6. Geraldine Page
7. Jude Law
8. Katharine Hepburn
9. Julianne Moore
10.Meryl Streep
Top ten people I’d like to….have dinner with:
1. Uma Thurman
2. Jenna Elfman
3. Ashley Judd
4. Halle Berry
5. Susan Sarandon
6. Nicole Kidman
7. Diane Lane
8. Lupita Nyongo
9. Charlize Theron
10.Anne Hathaway
Rest in peace, Jeff Pert....I had looked forward to debating a few of these lists with you...
