United States of Blame

And so...now there's a family suing Seaworld because their kid witnessed a killer whale...key word "killer"....grab its trainer by her...shall we say ill-conceived?... pony tail and thrash her to death. When the tragedy happened, I was, of course, sad for the young woman and I was also sad for the whale. When a circus elephant goes nuts and tramples someone, usually that elephant is blamed and destroyed. I learned in grade school that elephants are wild animals. Apparently, many people were out sick that day. And so, when a KILLER whale grabs a woman by her dangling hair (which could have looked like a fish...maybe even smelled like one), everyone is surprised and horrified. (Maybe the whale...which we know is pretty damned smart...was saying, "Lady...stop with the goofy stuff...I'm a whale!) Thankfully, the whale was spared his execution (Dead Whale Swimming...coming to a theater near you)...but I still felt sad he was even blamed.

Anyway, some family...some LAWYER...is suing Seaworld because this kid saw the whole thing (and probably filmed it on his little super-expensive cell phone) and, well...just can't sleep. My solution? Feed the kid, the parents and..oh yeah....the lawyer (salt and pepper preferred) to the whale. Let the whales grab them by whatever they have that dangles, and have a big whale party. I'll film it on my "newest gadget that everyone must have."

If, at some point in the future, our country has collapsed and faded like the bloated, self-indulgent Roman Empire did, historians of the future will look back and say that we fell apart underneath the weight of our own narcissism...our own need to BLAME someone for just about everything. Check it out! No one is responsible and it's always someone else's fault! Democrats blame Republicans, Republicans blame Democrats...idiots with coffee-burned crotches blame fast food restaurants...people who choose to stay a hundred freakin' feet from the seawall (they're living in a city that's UNDERWATER!!!! Get back! Okay?) blame the government and...and....storms! Then, we have people sitting with their fried dough watching a killer whale do cute little dances blame...well anyone else...for having to bear the horror of someone elses's death!!! And then there's "rehab"....the modern answer for everything...I'm not really, really a drug-abusing, wife-cheating piece of trash...I'm ILL...and I'll go into rehab and everything will be forgotten. Cheer for me on the 18th green, 'kay?

I've even noticed this phenomenon in my work. The central theme of my treatment is to establish one's responsibility for his/her symptoms and for change. And it's becoming increasingly difficulty to get past the concrete shelter of pervasive narcissism and blame to do so. In working with couples...and parents (don't get me started)...it is always...ALWAYS...the others' faults. So often, kids I see are simply the pimple that is symptomatic of a steady diet of dysfunctional blaming, arguing, yelling and self-indulgence. Wayne Dyer said that victims always operate from a position of weakness...and this is so very true. No individual, no couple, no family stands to move forward until they stop the blaming and start to own. OWN.

But when that weakness is embraced by public sympathy...and the media...and the lawyers...well, we now have a passive, helpless system reinforced by financial gain and rabid attention by a parasitic public.

So...let's see....my dog gets skunked in my back yard. I can blame the skunk. I can find a lawyer to sue the skunk...or the town maybe for not being skunk-proof. Maybe I can find a Republican to blame a Democrat for not leaving the skunk removal to local government. (Hey Sarah! I can see the skunk from my bedroom window!) Or a Democrat to blame a Republican because the skunk isn't on public assistance and is left to fend for himself. The Today show can interview Rusty, Nora and me...maybe even the skunk. We'll sniffle and whimper and cry. 48 hours will do an expose' and maybe the skunks spouse will be suspected as the true culprit.

Listen...I'm sorry this kid had to see such a thing. I wonder how all the other kids who can't afford a lawyer are doing. If they're suffering, they can get help. Help works. But please...please...just because you can't sue a whale, your moby dickhead lawyer will sue Seaworld? Never mind that this family spent its vacation money to SEE a trapped wild animal lusting after a woman with a fish hanging from her head.

I don't blame the skunk. Skunks do what skunks do. I don't blame Rusty. Dogs do what dogs do and he must...he MUST protect his family from wide, black and white cats who have one helluva fart. I blame me. I don't know what I did, but it's my responsibility. It's my house. My yard. My dog. And, for a little while longer, my skunk. And, if I owned a whale, he'd live in the ocean where he belongs.

Algebra and Bicycles

I was getting a solid B in algebra that first semester at the University of Maryland. As other grades were taking a slow but steady decline towards a record-breaking GPA, something here was clicking for me. It must have been snowing in hell. And then, my instructor (first year students at large universities rarely get real profs) became ill...and disappeared. His replacement was no doubt intelligent...maybe brilliant, who knows. But he was Indian. That’s Asian Indian. With an accent. And suddenly, “hypotenuse” became something like “hypoteneooos.” The entire language changed. I sat with a “WHA?” expression on my face the rest of that semester....but he must not have noticed. Maybe in India, my face meant “can I have some garlic nan please?” I got a D. Which was better than zoology. And psychology. And led me to two fabulous years at a community college.

It’s true that, for most of us, all we learn in algebra is virtually worthless beyond that final day in class. Math teachers? God bless ya. I guess you use what you learned in algebra to torture the next generation of students. Someone has to do it. But there were these things call axioms....sort of universal truths in math and, as it seems, in life. Something about the existential nature of these things...which I memorized...stayed with me. Profound certainties...lie A + B = B + A. Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?

And one....the important one here....is that....get this....if A = B, then B = A. Wow. Think about it. “That’s soooo true!”

So rather than struggle with a smooth segue here....cuz there is none...I’ll just get to the point.

I hear on television....in a smug little holier-than-thou male voice, “Bicycles have the same rights as automobiles.” Hmmm. Really? Let me think about that for a minute....

and here’s where algebra comes in most helpful....that means that automobiles have the same rights as bicycles. Right? Cool.

Let me ponder the possibilities....that means I can drive on sidewalks and almost run down some guy with a poodle on a leash! It means I can weave through traffic...between cars...on sidewalk, off sidewalk....and ignore traffic lights! I can drive at any speed I want...sometimes in a PACK of cars and make others wait for me and be impressed with my cool helmet. I can park anywhere, chaining my car to anything, anywhere. Oh the fun I’ll have! Wait...it gets better....I can even dress up in spandex (“a privilege not a right”) that looks like a nascar vehicle, pop a helmet on my head...go get a baby somewhere, put him in a lawn spreader with a little yellow flag, tie the spreader to my back bumper, and race through traffic! “I’m cool and have the right to drag my kid behind me down streets, through lights...everywhere!”

Pea-brained, hot-shit bicyclists....no, you don’t have the same rights as automobiles. Algebra proves it. See? Move over...now.

The Sacred Institution of Marriage

So much passion. So much anger. Demonstrations and counter-demonstrations. Do "we" allow gay couples to marry? Is it morally the right thing to do? Is it just dead wrong? Can we survive such a thing? Is this the beginning of the end? Oh, the horror....

Ah, but I do enjoy irony.

Here's the thing. Marriage is a legal contract. Period. When two people get divorced, they go to court....not church...unless you consider the Catholic church that discourages divorce and issues sanctions against its members if they dare to do so. Of course, there's the annulment... suggesting that the marriage never happened. Just like that cool Men In Black gadget....poof! Gone. Otherwise, we're talking about a legal permission...a license. To hunt. To fish. To practice psychotherapy. To have a dog. To marry.

You see, if morality had anything to do with it...if a union "in the eyes of God" had anything to do with it, then there wouldn't be a 50+ percent divorce rate amongst us straights, would there? When my ex and I were preparing to be married, we had to meet with the minister several times to assure we knew what we were doing. Well, we passed the test...and there was the music, the guests, the rice, the salad bowls, the cake...and then later...POOF! You know the rest. Did we go back to the minister to get a divorce? No. We went to court. The vows...the promise....the "power invested in me"...meant nothing. It was the house, the furniture, the money and even the dog visitation that mattered. A judge decided for us, not the minister who maybe...just maybe...shoulda said no.

As someone joked, "let gay people marry and be miserable like the rest of us." Well, isn't it the truth. Morality has nothing to do with it really. If it did, there would be no abuse, no affairs, no deceit or control, no tearing up children's lives....or divorce. Marriage is a legal contract to share lives, moneys, toys and pets with the better than average chance it will all end. The romantic and spiritual aspects are in the eyes of the beholders...or holders as it were, not the law. Pretty vows...DJ's...cousin Fred fainting during the ceremony. It's all good. But it's not legal. It's choice. It's optional. The license? Not optional.

The hitch lies in the legal contract. That's what we're truly arguing about and voting on. Two people....any two people...say that they want to share responsibilities, debts, mortgages, homes, health insurance, dirty bathrooms, pints of ice cream, and children. If they crash and burn...like many of the rest of us...so be it. Party on. They can pay lawyers and mediators too. They can argue over who has the kids on Christmas too. After all....they can hunt deer, catch fish, and own a dog. Right?

Regardless of one's opinion, it should be clear that, if marriage were solely a religious bond, then there might be an understandable if not flawed argument given the varied belief systems and values making up this whacky, confused country of ours. In other words, we would expect social change to sometimes progress faster than our grip on traditions and institutionalized thought.

But, in the mean time, can we please stop it with the referenda and the votes and the repeals? Let the individual churches decide who they will marry. Some will exercise their right to enjoy their literal interpretations and smug rejections of anyone wearing the wrong spiritual clothes. (I feel so, so bad for all those poor folks burning in hell for eating meat on Fridays. If they'd just waited....) Then we can allow gay folks to feel accepted and embraced by religious organizations that will open their doors and arms to any two loving people. There will be plenty....plenty that also have "the power invested in them"...plenty that have God hanging around just like the others! Issue the damn licenses, okay? And let people who want to get married get married...for Christ's sake. From what I understand about the man (not the church), he would approve.