Never before....not until the advent of Facebook....have people paid such attention to the numbers of friends they had. It amazes me sometimes to see that some of my Facebook friends number in the hundreds. HUNDREDS! Imagine the surprise birthday party! And the cardiac arrest from hearing "SURPRISE" from 586 people! And the cost of cake! And onion dip!
Well, these couldn't be all truly friends, right? Bragging rights maybe? I recently had ninety eight friends. Now I have ninety five. Yep...I decided to "unfriend" these...um...friends. Crazy, isn't it?
But I didn't do this dastardly deed without long consideration...and even marginal regret. Instead, I figured out that my Facebook friends fall into several categories...all having value to me in one way or another. And my choice to "unfriend" someone would be the result of that person not being true to his/her category. It really doesn't take much....
Friends who have been friends for years and with whom I would have contact regardless of Facebook.
Friends who I knew long ago...in whose life experiences, photos, etc. I have genuine interest, regardless of how often we actually communicate.
Friends who began as colleagues and became friends...a number of late night drinks at the hotel bar will do that sometimes. I am grateful for having them as friends.
Friends who are colleagues as well...with whom I developed really nice connections with, did favors for, and enjoyed relaxing times...and expected our connections to continue after the favors and relaxing times couldn't be continued. Just gave up two of these.
Friends who are colleagues whom I barely know...but share a common interest and professional network.
Friends who also have dogs!....what else do I need to say?
Friends who I actually met online....as in dating online...and made a connection other than that originally intended. Good people....makes me so happy that a couple have found true happiness.
Just gave up one of these.
I even have Facebook friends who are really not even on Facebook....they have no photo, just that creepy outline of a head. Do I wait? Do I run? Do I sit and look at the creepy head?
Like I said, I think all this is okay...legitimate friendships since Facebook as redefined "friend." And I will never ask my Facebook friends if they want to stay my friend or not, otherwise I will delete them. That is up to me...and if it's up to them, I assume they'll leave...or have left...anyway. Are you still there? Hey...wanna be friends?
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Illusionist
In a favorite episode of the wonderful sitcom "The Office," Michael Scott arrived at work wearing a silly fake mustache to cover a cold sore on his upper lip. Believing he now had herpes "duplex," as he called it, he felt it necessary to contact his recent, former lovers to let them know that they may have contracted the disease during their brief, ill-fated encounters. Through this process of revisiting his heart-breaking past, he discovered that none of these women had considered their relationships with Michael to have been of any real significance. It was the sentimental, narcissistic Michael who had magnified relatively brief attachments into magical ones that resulted in, for him anyway, tragic endings. While he had reminisced mournfully, these women had all moved on and had filed Michael away as merely a passing fancy.
And so....two people meet. They pass the first "test"....acceptable appearances, they both like Fleetwood Mac and, hey...they both enjoy kayaking and long walks on the beach. Great...they begin. It turns out, however, that he (pronouns interchangeable) sees her as a potential life partner and starts thinking about a life together with romantic evenings of wine, fireplaces and, well, lots of Stevie Nicks. She, on the other hand, is merely seeking a temporary dalliance. She passes the time with long chats, flirtations, Stevie, and even sex, but really wants only to get it on and then...move on....never willing to sacrifice the illusions of freedom and something better down the road. He, ultimately, will not escape the underlying differences in agenda, and some horrific, fly-bite-night (heehee) ending.
Ah...but these are the risks we face in finding an illusion...a projection...that actually works. It happens. I even know people that, both honest and forthcoming, both true to their words and desires, work. I even admire these folks because I know there were a few flies in their ointments along the way. And those who are not what they seem...wanting only to seem like someone as opposed to being someone... will only find how elusive illusions truly are.
I have had a number of flies in my little cubicle...and the end result of those sci-fi blendings of lives have even worked out pretty well. A few tentacles here, a few bristles there...but all workable (shave-able?) We can learn from a them at the very least. One person of significance, with a propensity for lying, taught me to be honest. Another with the temper of an angry child taught me to be more patient.
And they both taught me to run clear of anyone who lies or has a temper. And, from both of these lasting illusions...these inadvertent flies, I escaped with my humanness in tact.
If only we could find some way of recognizing the realities behind these illusions while maintaining just a few for shear enjoyment, and work until we might actually have something. Otherwise, once the illusion is discovered for what it really is, the disappointment will only sting and linger...until it is repaired or until the next one.
As I will often tell my clients, I consider relationships to be nothing more than illusions. Sure.... relationships are many things. They're exciting, passionate, comforting, dramatic...even costly. But there is no actual "thing" that lies between them, only the manifestations of needs, wants, projections, shared memories and a biological need to find a mate for procreation. (see Helen Fisher's "Why We Love") This is not to diminish the power or impact of the connections we make. Nor do I suggest that relationships are not living, breathing organisms in themselves that must be fed and nurtured. It is only to say that, were relationships "real", then they would be viewed, valued and preserved as the same by two people from totally different histories and orientations. And they rarely are.
Remember the movie, "The Fly"? Well, some of us will remember that there were two versions, although I much prefer the earlier, 1950's cheesy one. Vincent Price has invented a machine that would transport himself to another machine. This is pre-Star Trek thinking, so it was a really cool idea. But oops...Vincent allowed a common house fly to enter the first machine and, when transported, we saw the body of a man with the huge head and...well, hands...of a fly. Ugly indeed...but manageable. It never was clear why this homely fly man would suddenly become violent as well. I'm guessing the fly had issues...poor thing...but it wouldn't have been a horror movie without some perfectly healthy victim being chased down by a...you guessed it....slow, plodding creature.
The second version gave us Jeff Goldblum...whom I find to be creepy anyway...suffering the same fate (probably not the same fly), but the creature that emerged was, with improved special effects, far nastier...more horrific...with lots of drool and humps and all that fly hair. Sad really. We could feel for the fly-man...man-fly.
Well, imagine the early stages of a relationship to be the first version. Rather than two people emerging as a loving, harmonious, HUMAN couple, we find a clear problem. It is possible that two people could walk away and retain their original form (the fly hopes so) or simply move on and chalk the experience up to a misguided flight (get it?) of fancy. Then, imagine relationships well into development to be the second version. All kinds of parts, DNA, pointy bristles and human things woefully woven together in such a way that extraction will be most painful or impossible.
With actual relationships, if there is an ugly monster to run or shield oneself from, it might not appear initially. Those needs and wants and projections can hide the evidence that this might be a mistake in the making. We see what we want to see, feel what we want to feel. And, meanwhile, the buzzing grows louder and more difficult to ignore as two people yearn to return to the fantasy of...the illusion of early perfection.
And so....two people meet. They pass the first "test"....acceptable appearances, they both like Fleetwood Mac and, hey...they both enjoy kayaking and long walks on the beach. Great...they begin. It turns out, however, that he (pronouns interchangeable) sees her as a potential life partner and starts thinking about a life together with romantic evenings of wine, fireplaces and, well, lots of Stevie Nicks. She, on the other hand, is merely seeking a temporary dalliance. She passes the time with long chats, flirtations, Stevie, and even sex, but really wants only to get it on and then...move on....never willing to sacrifice the illusions of freedom and something better down the road. He, ultimately, will not escape the underlying differences in agenda, and some horrific, fly-bite-night (heehee) ending.
Ah...but these are the risks we face in finding an illusion...a projection...that actually works. It happens. I even know people that, both honest and forthcoming, both true to their words and desires, work. I even admire these folks because I know there were a few flies in their ointments along the way. And those who are not what they seem...wanting only to seem like someone as opposed to being someone... will only find how elusive illusions truly are.
I have had a number of flies in my little cubicle...and the end result of those sci-fi blendings of lives have even worked out pretty well. A few tentacles here, a few bristles there...but all workable (shave-able?) We can learn from a them at the very least. One person of significance, with a propensity for lying, taught me to be honest. Another with the temper of an angry child taught me to be more patient.
And they both taught me to run clear of anyone who lies or has a temper. And, from both of these lasting illusions...these inadvertent flies, I escaped with my humanness in tact.
If only we could find some way of recognizing the realities behind these illusions while maintaining just a few for shear enjoyment, and work until we might actually have something. Otherwise, once the illusion is discovered for what it really is, the disappointment will only sting and linger...until it is repaired or until the next one.
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