Dear Santa....

As you may know, Santa, it has been many years since I've written. In no way should you take this leave of absence as an indication of my lack of belief in you or appreciation for your past generosities. I actually still have a number of the fine gifts you've brought over the years...like my first stuffed animal, Bobo, and my first Martin guitar at 7, when my stubby little fingers were just learning to play. Thank you again.

Before I give you a list of what Rusty, Nora, and I would like this year, I want to offer a brief, general request. I guess it might be considered a suggestion even. I was just thinking that, instead of loading down your sled with big ticket items like televisions, computers, or blow-up Justin Bieber dolls, you might have a more lasting impact on families and children if you could bring a few million jobs and a government that actually works. The one we have needs a change of batteries fairly often and even the new ones don't seem to help. And, while you're here, could you load up Jerry Sandusky and his sick brethren, take them back to the North Pole, and leave them out where they can freeze their pathetic weanies off or get eaten by polar bears.

For Rusty:

~ Night vision goggles. I tell him that squirrels go to bed at sundown. But he's not convinced. I guess he's thinking we can't be too safe....that longer nights just give them more time to plan! He has smallish ears, so take that into consideration for sizing.

~ You know those really long fingernails like the Wolverine has? Well, he'd like a pair...so it might be easier to dig his lairs underneath trees and bushes...as well as for burying his rawhide bones, only to eventually dig them up when they're nice and soft and covered with dirt.

~ Don't ask me why, but for some reason he wants a Rocky and Bullwinkle t-shirt. Oh yeah...and a Cubs hat.

~ He was watching Martha Stewart one day and thinks it could be fun to have one of those large pastry squirter things...like for filling cannoli or stuffed shells. I think it's for his empty marrow bones. Where we'll get the lard fillings, I have no idea.

~ Finally, he'd like a new pair of footie pajamas...his nails have worn through his Marmaduke pair.

For Nora:

~ I know it could be expensive, but she would like dental implants. Poor girl has lost most of her teeth due to distemper and she would like to again enjoy those harder treats as well as look nice for her boyfriend, Mr. Jones. I tell her she is beautiful as she is, but she's a bit self-conscious about her teeth.

~ She wants an Easy-Bake Oven....thinks it could be a blast to make her own cookies.

~ An in-ground pool....but only about 3 inches deep. She loves getting silly in puddles and is afraid of the plastic Spongebob pool I got her. No diving board is necessary.

~ Tennis balls...can't have enough tennis balls.

~ Anything that squeaks...

For me:

~ Sox in the World Series and the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

~ One of those memory erasers from Men in Black so I can go on television, wave the thing at everyone and make them forget the Kardashians, Bieber, Lohan, and all the other talentless celebrities that clutter our lives.

~ A turnover on The View....keep Whoopi, can the rest. Add Meredith Vieira an Rachel Maddow ...you can choose the last one from Uma Thurmen, Cherlize Theron, or Ashley Judd.

~ A really good night's sleep.

~ New jobs...out of the public spotlight...for Al Roker, Jay Leno, Rachel Ray...oh hell...the list is just way too long.

~ A best selling book so I can give up this other career...no offense to my clients, but I'm spent.

That's about it. I have many things. I am blessed with perfect, adorable dogs...and a few wonderful friends. I really only want lasting health and good fortune for them and for myself. I'm thinking, while these gifts could be asking a lot, they might take the weight off of your sled...and off of me...at least for a while.

Thank you, Santa

Rick

p.s....I was Richard for a long time so I hope you'll remember me.