The Illusionist

In a favorite episode of the wonderful sitcom "The Office," Michael Scott arrived at work wearing a silly fake mustache to cover a cold sore on his upper lip. Believing he now had herpes "duplex," as he called it, he felt it necessary to contact his recent, former lovers to let them know that they may have contracted the disease during their brief, ill-fated encounters. Through this process of revisiting his heart-breaking past, he discovered that none of these women had considered their relationships with Michael to have been of any real significance. It was the sentimental, narcissistic Michael who had magnified relatively brief attachments into magical ones that resulted in, for him anyway, tragic endings. While he had reminisced mournfully, these women had all moved on and had filed Michael away as merely a passing fancy.

As I will often tell my clients, I consider relationships to be nothing more than illusions. Sure.... relationships are many things. They're exciting, passionate, comforting, dramatic...even costly. But there is no actual "thing" that lies between them, only the manifestations of needs, wants, projections, shared memories and a biological need to find a mate for procreation. (see Helen Fisher's "Why We Love") This is not to diminish the power or impact of the connections we make. Nor do I suggest that relationships are not living, breathing organisms in themselves that must be fed and nurtured. It is only to say that, were relationships "real", then they would be viewed, valued and preserved as the same by two people from totally different histories and orientations. And they rarely are.

Remember the movie, "The Fly"? Well, some of us will remember that there were two versions, although I much prefer the earlier, 1950's cheesy one. Vincent Price has invented a machine that would transport himself to another machine. This is pre-Star Trek thinking, so it was a really cool idea. But oops...Vincent allowed a common house fly to enter the first machine and, when transported, we saw the body of a man with the huge head and...well, hands...of a fly. Ugly indeed...but manageable. It never was clear why this homely fly man would suddenly become violent as well. I'm guessing the fly had issues...poor thing...but it wouldn't have been a horror movie without some perfectly healthy victim being chased down by a...you guessed it....slow, plodding creature.

The second version gave us Jeff Goldblum...whom I find to be creepy anyway...suffering the same fate (probably not the same fly), but the creature that emerged was, with improved special effects, far nastier...more horrific...with lots of drool and humps and all that fly hair. Sad really. We could feel for the fly-man...man-fly.

Well, imagine the early stages of a relationship to be the first version. Rather than two people emerging as a loving, harmonious, HUMAN couple, we find a clear problem. It is possible that two people could walk away and retain their original form (the fly hopes so) or simply move on and chalk the experience up to a misguided flight (get it?) of fancy. Then, imagine relationships well into development to be the second version. All kinds of parts, DNA, pointy bristles and human things woefully woven together in such a way that extraction will be most painful or impossible.

With actual relationships, if there is an ugly monster to run or shield oneself from, it might not appear initially. Those needs and wants and projections can hide the evidence that this might be a mistake in the making. We see what we want to see, feel what we want to feel. And, meanwhile, the buzzing grows louder and more difficult to ignore as two people yearn to return to the fantasy of...the illusion of early perfection.

And so....two people meet. They pass the first "test"....acceptable appearances, they both like Fleetwood Mac and, hey...they both enjoy kayaking and long walks on the beach. Great...they begin. It turns out, however, that he (pronouns interchangeable) sees her as a potential life partner and starts thinking about a life together with romantic evenings of wine, fireplaces and, well, lots of Stevie Nicks. She, on the other hand, is merely seeking a temporary dalliance. She passes the time with long chats, flirtations, Stevie, and even sex, but really wants only to get it on and then...move on....never willing to sacrifice the illusions of freedom and something better down the road. He, ultimately, will not escape the underlying differences in agenda, and some horrific, fly-bite-night (heehee) ending.

Ah...but these are the risks we face in finding an illusion...a projection...that actually works. It happens. I even know people that, both honest and forthcoming, both true to their words and desires, work. I even admire these folks because I know there were a few flies in their ointments along the way. And those who are not what they seem...wanting only to seem like someone as opposed to being someone... will only find how elusive illusions truly are.

I have had a number of flies in my little cubicle...and the end result of those sci-fi blendings of lives have even worked out pretty well. A few tentacles here, a few bristles there...but all workable (shave-able?) We can learn from a them at the very least. One person of significance, with a propensity for lying, taught me to be honest. Another with the temper of an angry child taught me to be more patient.
And they both taught me to run clear of anyone who lies or has a temper. And, from both of these lasting illusions...these inadvertent flies, I escaped with my humanness in tact.

If only we could find some way of recognizing the realities behind these illusions while maintaining just a few for shear enjoyment, and work until we might actually have something. Otherwise, once the illusion is discovered for what it really is, the disappointment will only sting and linger...until it is repaired or until the next one.