Algebra and Bicycles

I was getting a solid B in algebra that first semester at the University of Maryland. As other grades were taking a slow but steady decline towards a record-breaking GPA, something here was clicking for me. It must have been snowing in hell. And then, my instructor (first year students at large universities rarely get real profs) became ill...and disappeared. His replacement was no doubt intelligent...maybe brilliant, who knows. But he was Indian. That’s Asian Indian. With an accent. And suddenly, “hypotenuse” became something like “hypoteneooos.” The entire language changed. I sat with a “WHA?” expression on my face the rest of that semester....but he must not have noticed. Maybe in India, my face meant “can I have some garlic nan please?” I got a D. Which was better than zoology. And psychology. And led me to two fabulous years at a community college.

It’s true that, for most of us, all we learn in algebra is virtually worthless beyond that final day in class. Math teachers? God bless ya. I guess you use what you learned in algebra to torture the next generation of students. Someone has to do it. But there were these things call axioms....sort of universal truths in math and, as it seems, in life. Something about the existential nature of these things...which I memorized...stayed with me. Profound certainties...lie A + B = B + A. Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that?

And one....the important one here....is that....get this....if A = B, then B = A. Wow. Think about it. “That’s soooo true!”

So rather than struggle with a smooth segue here....cuz there is none...I’ll just get to the point.

I hear on television....in a smug little holier-than-thou male voice, “Bicycles have the same rights as automobiles.” Hmmm. Really? Let me think about that for a minute....

and here’s where algebra comes in most helpful....that means that automobiles have the same rights as bicycles. Right? Cool.

Let me ponder the possibilities....that means I can drive on sidewalks and almost run down some guy with a poodle on a leash! It means I can weave through traffic...between cars...on sidewalk, off sidewalk....and ignore traffic lights! I can drive at any speed I want...sometimes in a PACK of cars and make others wait for me and be impressed with my cool helmet. I can park anywhere, chaining my car to anything, anywhere. Oh the fun I’ll have! Wait...it gets better....I can even dress up in spandex (“a privilege not a right”) that looks like a nascar vehicle, pop a helmet on my head...go get a baby somewhere, put him in a lawn spreader with a little yellow flag, tie the spreader to my back bumper, and race through traffic! “I’m cool and have the right to drag my kid behind me down streets, through lights...everywhere!”

Pea-brained, hot-shit bicyclists....no, you don’t have the same rights as automobiles. Algebra proves it. See? Move over...now.